It’s been a long time since my last post and as predicted I have been busy with my new job. Now I have been offered a roll-over on my position and so I feel secure about my career progression for next year. I am also starting to get back into performing and keeping up with the creative side of things so it makes sense that I also post again here.
It has been more than a year now since I split with my ex and moved to my own apartment. I sporadically tried the online dating thing and even had a very novel experience of dating someone who asked me out at a club because they had a specific event in mind and it was interesting to me. It went something like “I have two tickets to see this play in two weeks time at the Arts Centre, would you like to go with me?” It was cute but didn’t amount to much in terms of compatibility. I was aware for a while that I was initially dating people who were very much like my ex in some ways and this put me off the whole thing for a while. Then I had a couple of experiences where I continued dating someone with whom I had little to no chemistry or attraction because I was fighting my desire/instincts, feeling like I couldn’t trust my judgement and need to give “the benefit of the doubt” to someone because they were a “good person”. Needless to say this didn’t work and I struggled to get myself out of that situation gracefully.
Over the last 7 weeks I have been dating a man I met online and it is going well, so well in fact that it is causing me all kind of new fears and anxieties. How strange that the day before I went on my first date with this man I was sitting in my therapists office crying about how I genuinely felt that I may lose hope for my future, for the possibility of a healthy and loving relationship. Now I am feeling that while we are (trying) holding off on saying the words…love is growing between us. Along with this wonderful giddy making experience of falling for someone comes all my fears and worries based on my experiences with my ex. I am still kind of hyper-vigilant about signs that I am being manipulated or put on a pedestal. Over the last year in therapy I have identified the dynamics between my mother and I and how they affect both what type of person I am attracted to and what type of people I attract. I am so scared to get sucked in by a narcissist that I worry I will miss the good parts of a budding romance.
When this new man talks about wanting to “be there” for me there is a part of me that tenses up because I remember hearing that before and within a few months I was being emotionally manipulated and publicly humiliated by this same person. I’ve talked with my new guy about this stuff a bit and we have both agreed that while learning from your mistakes is important we should also try not to bring baggage from our last relationships into this one. But how??? I really want to let myself enjoy this moment but of course I also want it to last and grow stronger and turn into something real and I struggle to overcome my fears. My friend re-assured me the other day saying “You always have a period after a breakup where you think you will die alone and then someone comes along and changes your mind”. I hope that’s true and I can give in to this experience without being too jaded. I want to learn from my past mistakes while not letting them tarnish my future.