Since I left my last relationship I have been thinking a lot about what happened and how I came to feel it was not working. I have found it much harder to write about than other break-ups and I think this is because I’m approaching it in a more measured way and trying to understand my own role in it all and that shit is just not very romantic I guess.
My friends are starting to tease me because there have been a few times recently when we go out to a club and someone talks to me and dances with me and then turns into a “stage five clinger” as my friend puts it. They won’t leave my side and before the night it through they are literally saying they love me. Literally in the club, drunk and saying to a woman they met an hour or two ago “I love you” “I’m in love with you” What!?!?!
Obviously this is a real turn off and I never call them or talk to them again for the most part. This doesn’t seem to happen to my friends though so I am wondering what it’s all about. My friend was saying the other day that in my recent relationship history I have been with people who either say “I love you” too soon and rush everything in a desperate attempt to “lock it down” and make the relationship feel safe for them, or people who will not say they love me even after years together. What is that about?
My therapist’s theory is that I present a very confident image to the world and I am attracting men who feel both awed and threatened by what they perceive to be my strength and confidence. They are drawn to me and what to contain or diminish me to ease their own anxiety about their own worth. I think that’s what it is…My recent ex was talking to me about growing old together on our first date and said “I love you” when he was drunk within a couple of weeks of meeting. Once we were ‘together’ he was constantly threatened by my friends and exes and would become verbally abusive when he was drunk calling me a “dirty lesbian” on one occasion and other times saying things like “Oh you’re just so fucking perfect aren’t you!” in an accusatory tone. He was jealous of my strong friendships, my social confidence, my sexuality, my ability to communicate with confidence.
In recent times I have tried dating again and both of the people I have had some dates with are people who suffer from anxiety. They are quite different in most other respects but I can’t help but wonder why I am still attracting this ‘type’ if it is in fact a ‘type’. I am apparently attracted to a ‘type’ myself and that is ‘people with complex mental health’. I don’t think these guys think I am a ‘Manic Pixie Dreamgirl’ but more of a Bad-ass queen who needs to use their strength to comfort and console the anxious mind of the troubled soul they perceive themselves to be. That if I lend some of my internal power to them then I will be manageable and they will be elevated. Does that sound conceited? I don’t really care. After all I am a Bad-ass Queen.