It has been more than 4 months since my last post I think and I have had many concerns in my relationship. It has been 5 weeks and one day since I left our apartment now. I am still turning everything over in my mind. Mostly I am angry, resentful, feeling bile and bitterness swell up inside me. It’s not pretty, but neither were his lies. I honestly never thought I would be in this position despite the red flags. The final straw for me came when I found out that my partner had been lying to me about his financial situation.
It had been a couple of weeks of tension as I had finished up at my job and was looking for a job in my new field of teaching. We had discussed that I would not have an income for a month or two and he had assured me that he would be fine to cover my rent and help me out with living expenses on the proviso that when I had work I would pay him back the rent money. This is what was said, but it was not the reality. In reality he was withholding financial support and playing games with me. He would tell me that he didn’t want me to put myself in debt with my credit card and wanted instead to give me some money…then he would repeatedly “forget” to go to the ATM. He would make me ask twice or three times, knowing how humiliating it was and how bad it made me feel.
I had caught him in a lie before and like this one it was not the event or situation itself that bothered me, it was the lie. I had told him then (nearly a year ago) that I did not care at all if his car had gone to a mechanic or not, but that I was dismayed by the lie. He gave the reason/excuse that he was traumatised by his upbringing of verbal and physical abuse and that it had resulted in extreme conflict avoidance (though not in those words). I told him at the time that I could understand that it was hard for him but that he could not use his trauma as an excuse for dishonesty and that if I caught him in a lie again I would not accept this excuse. I have never been abusive towards him and I don’t want to be treated like his mother.
So, after agreeing to be transparent with our finances since we were in a serious relationship, living together and spending family time with his son every second weekend he was holding out on sending me his salary information. I had queried it since he told me his take home pay and I was surprised it was not more based on what he told me about his salary. I asked him about it again two weeks later and he shut down on me. Saying he was not annoyed but then withholding affection all day and barely speaking to me. I asked him to explain why he had not taken out any money for me when he had said he would and he said “I don’t know” I said “well I want you to think about it” “You know it makes me feel really bad to ask again and again so I want to know why you are putting me in this position” …no answer.
After a not very satisfying conversation where nothing was resolved and he told me he felt like I wasn’t listening to him we left it and went to bed. The next day after he again had not emailed me the info he said he would or talked to me about anything I went and found his pay information for myself. My stomach dropped and I lay on the couch shaking for a bit. I called my friends and I packed a back and took the dog and left for my mothers house.
I feel at this point I need to mention that of course I do not care at all what my partner earns and I have never cared about that. I do not want to be financially supported by my partner. We had both been broke at various time in our relationship and it has never been about money. What hurts me is that he knows me so little that he thinks he needs to lie. That he is so desperately insecure about his manhood or his position as a provider that he would lie to my face for 6 months about something like this.When I told him I was staying with my mum for a few days he said on the phone “Ok well have a good night, bye” and hung up the phone. He completely shut down emotionally. He could not express anything about me leaving, he could not try to talk to me about why, he could not apologize or take responsibility for his part in what was happening.
When I later confronted him about the lie he denied it. He continues to deny it. He says things like “it’s not black and white the way my company works out its pay system, if you want to believe that I lied then that’s fine but I have not been dishonest” What. The. Fuck. I was not born yesterday, I have had many jobs with different looking pay slips but none of them are out by nearly $20,000 Oh no, I’m not buying it. I was absolutely astonished that he was in such deep denial.
I know that this is a long and maybe boring post but I had to just get it all out. I never went back except to get all my things out of the apartment. I saw him a couple more times and I was sad when I saw him and then angry again afterwards. My happy little nest has been destroyed by his insecurity and emotional manipulation and I will not trust again so easily. I am so resentful.
msvidaculturalattache 